I could use some advice.

"fhrblig" (fhrblig) 06/15/2014 at 20:31 • Filed to: None

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About my Dad, that is. Here's a Cobra for your trouble.

My Dad and I are what you could call estranged. We haven't actually seen each other in years, and we live in the same city. I have talked to him by phone this year, but it was only because he needed some info from me for his insurance. It was perfectly cordial, we just didn't go much further.

Thing is, it's not like we had a falling out with each other or an argument or something. We just don't talk. My dad has always had a streak of hermit in him. If he was alive 150 years ago, he'd probably have been a mountain man. He's very quiet and introverted. He and my mother got divorced when I was eight and he never remarried, or as far as I know even went on another date again. He worked long hours for an aerospace company for well over 30 years and just retired. My mom had custody of my older sister and me, but we visited often.

When I was younger (before I was a teenager), we were closer. I never shared his love of HAM radio, but we liked computers and would watch sports together, and he was pretty good at video games too. I would go camping with him a lot. I never got the fishing or hunting gene, though, so it had to be annoying trying to fish with two bored kids in tow. After high school, I even lived with him for a while. It was a weird vibe, though; like two complete strangers living in the same building.

I've felt like I've had a void in my life for a long time without him being around. I really would like us to be closer, but it feels like there's a huge chasm between us and I don't really know how to bridge it. Because of his phone call to me earlier, I now have his email address. I want to send him a quick message to let him know I'm interested in getting together, but then there's the other issue; I've never told him I'm gay.

I don't have any reason to believe he's religious or has anything against gays, but I don't know how he'll react at all. We were never religious on either side of our immediate family, but I know his brother is now very religious. I know they've been a lot closer now than in the past, too. Everyone else in my family, even my black-belt Catholic aunt, has been welcoming to me. I'm hoping my luck will hold.

Here's my dilemma: is it wrong to tell him via email? I want to just send him a quick note to tell him I'm interested in getting in touch with him again, but include the fact that I'm gay because if he's going to be in my life he's going to end up meeting my partner.

If he says he never wants to see me again, I'd be hurt and very sad, but at least there'd be closure. I have a strong support network. It's more important to me that I make the attempt.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 20:38

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Ok well I didn't know you were gay so..... Ok if you know where he is go and show up at his house start with some small talk then say you wanna be close again then say you are gay. What is the worst that could happen? You don't talk that is what is going on now.

Cajun Ginger > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 20:44

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hey hon, would you like me to crosspost this to groupthink for you to see if anyone there has any advice for you?

desertdog5051 > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 20:46

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I see no reason to go into that amount of detail when you are trying to re-establish a relationship with him. The time for that will become obvious as time goes on. Focus on the benefits and deal with the particulars later.

BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 20:47

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I think you should definitely get in touch with him, at least try to get together for father's day, do something he enjoys with him. If he's not up to it, no harm done, though I'm not sure you would get the closure you're looking for. As for telling him you're gay, I know this is gonna sound assholish, but it might be better not to touch the subject on this first encounter, unless he brings it up somehow. He doesn't look like the type to throw a tantrum and storm off because of this, but if you're willing to get together for father's day, make it about him first, and if things work out, open up to him as he gets close to you. Hope this helps, though I have about zero experience giving advice like this. :p

Anyways, whatever you decide to do, good luck, and have a good time!

Brian Silvestro > Cajun Ginger 06/15/2014 at 20:48

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This is a good idea!

fhrblig > Cajun Ginger 06/15/2014 at 20:53

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Sure, I think I'm ok with that.

intherain > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 21:01

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There's nothing wrong with coming out via email. In fact, the form could provide a good filter - if he contacts you back, he's absorbed the information in some (hopefully a positive) way. I wish you all kinds of luck!

fhrblig > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic 06/15/2014 at 21:02

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It was so nerve-wracking when I came out to my mom and stepdad that after it was over I ended up sleeping for 18 hours. And that was when it went as well as it possibly could have (they are both awesome). That's with people I have been close with for years. It's much scarier contemplating coming out to someone who I honestly don't know that well. Maybe that's why I am more comfortable with the idea of the e-mail, but then again I feel like that's more cowardly to do.

This sucks.

fhrblig > desertdog5051 06/15/2014 at 21:05

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I think my biggest fear is that if I go that route, we might start to get close again and then he could be put off by it later. That would be awful. It's not the best solution to do it via email, but it would sort of be like ripping the band-aid off of a hairy arm. It would be over quick, and maybe less painful.

fhrblig > BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion 06/15/2014 at 21:08

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I wish I could say he would have noticed I never asked for his advice about girls or anything like that, but he is a socially-awkward engineer type that isn't super perceptive about others. I doubt he would bring it up first.

fhrblig > intherain 06/15/2014 at 21:10

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That's my hope. I want him to know I care, and at the same time give him some space to absorb what I'm telling him. That's a big part of why I'm leaning that way.

BlazinAce - Doctor of Internal Combustion > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 21:11

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Well, he could bring it up indirectly, like asking if you're married, have children, or something like that. If he doesn't, it might be best not to bring it up at first, it might make things a bit awkward, but if he does, just be honest about it and hope for the best, I guess.

BJ > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 21:14

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If you feel the need to talk to him, talk. Call or send him an email and say you'd like to go for lunch or coffee, and just play it easy. Show interest in him, and maybe he'll open up. If not, offer up a bit of yourself and see how it goes.

I don't know your father, your community, or family history, so can't judge what kind of impact telling him you're gay will have. You need to judge that for yourself, but I strongly suggest against telling him by email, especially since you're still effectively estranged. Maybe if one day you create a email-based relationship, then I suppose it would be appropriate.

I'm still somewhat estranged from my father as well, and I understand how it can be awkward. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

intherain > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 21:20

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Hey, it's not cowardly. Coming out in any form is not cowardly. I'm in my late-30s, but only came out to my mom this calendar year. It just wasn't ever right... and we have a good relationship. E-mail, especially for relationships that are rocky, seems like a pretty sane/less reactive way to go.

Terry Doolittle > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 21:32

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I came out to my dad via letter and we lived in the same house. It was just the easiest way for us to communicate with each other. I think if email works for you and the relationship you have with your dad then do what feels safe and comfortable for you, especially because it sounds like you have good family and community support otherwise. Best wishes to you. I know how hard this can be.

Violet Baudelaire > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 22:00

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I don't think there is anything wrong with email; if that's how you feel most comfortable telling him, which is completely understandable, then go for it. Email is safe for you, and if you think about it, it can also be really kind to your dad, who gets to be able to hear the news and think about it before replying to you - it takes a lot of pressure off of him that would be there if you guys were standing face to face and you were waiting for a reply in real time.

This is something you are doing for you. Whatever way feels right to you to do it is okay. It's amazing that you're making the effort to connect, and whatever happens, I think you should be super proud of yourself for reaching out and being honest. I'm sending good thoughts your way and hope it goes really really well.

BeakerC > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 23:14

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E-mail can be good, but when I send an important e-mail like that, I keep checking my e-mail over and over and wondering if they read it, wondering if they will write back. It's easier in some ways, but the delayed response can really be nerve-wracking (at least for me).

I told my dad over the phone fourteen years ago. He took it much better than I expected. He really surprised me. It didn't change anything between us and he really loves my wife. I'm hoping your dad will be similar, but, obviously, there are no guarantees. I really do recommend doing it over the phone, though. You can extract yourself from the situation quite easily by hanging up if it doesn't go well and you don't have to worry and check your e-mail constantly waiting for a response that may never come. Wishing you all the best.

resplendent.bitch > fhrblig 06/15/2014 at 23:41

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Coming from a mother of a teenage boy who I strongly suspect will want to ave a similar conversation with me one day - if you're most comfortable coming out via email (and that's what it sounds like from your post) you should do that. Coming out is stressful - if email makes you the most comfortable, and allows you to say the things you want to say, then that's what you should do.

If and when my son comes out to me, I am going to throw my arms around him and tell him that I fucking love him and he's perfect and that I want to dance at his big gay wedding. Your dad loves you, and I hope he does the same, in his own way.

karasudono > fhrblig 06/16/2014 at 10:44

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Yeah, I'm still not out to my (Southern Baptist) parents. I'm 33, and it's been easy to hide because bi.

bigdamnheroes > fhrblig 06/16/2014 at 17:03

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I think that's a good reason to do it sooner rather than later. What do you have to lose? You don't currently seem to have much of a relationship with him, and I suspect that you will always feel distance if you don't share this. But email versus phone versus in person are all decent options and will just depend on your comfort level. Pull off the band-aid and see what happens. A lot of people will surprise you.

I don't know you or your dad, but I definitely know the stoic engineer type (plenty of them in my family). And in my experience, most of them don't give a crap about people's sexual orientation. They may not get it, but they're usually not the type to freak out over it either. And even if he does react badly at first, he may just take some time to come around. I had a few people in my life who didn't take it well, but eventually adapted.

Whatever you decide, I just want to wish you the best of luck.